Mikel Arteta’s new Arsenal training ground theatrics are timely cringe reminder
We must all begrudgingly accept that Mikel Arteta is a good manager.
We don’t particularly care for Arsenal’s functional style, but accept that it’s a means to a very successful end. His touchline mannerisms, while grating for some, often add a welcome layer of entertainment to games decided by set-pieces. Even his press conferences and interviews, though stomach-churning when he’s in a buoyant mood, often offer useful insights and – crucially for us – soundbites to draw an audience.
He obviously fully deserves his new Arsenal contract after getting them over the line last term.
So why do we begrudge him his success? A new interview with The Athletic served as a timely reminder of just what a performative twerp he really is.
It feels like it’s been a while since one of the lessons from the Church of Mikel Arteta was revealed, and nothing serves of greater proof of his true calling as the middle manager of a mid-range recruitment firm than him being the one to disclose this particular zany idea having evidently grown impatient waiting for one of his brainwashed acolytes to make it known.
He’s previously used a lightbulb as a prop to promote “electricity” between the players and the fans, in a speech where he eruditely pointed out “it would be f***ing dark without this guy”, Thomas Edison.
There were the lemons, whose “juice is our team magic”, as Arteta took one from a player who said he had squeezed out all the juice, only for his manager to illustrate “you can always squeeze more”. Barf.
He hired a pickpocket to steal from his own players – including one who had fought off a baseball-bat wielding thief in real life – to teach them a lesson about ‘the importance of being ready and alert’.
The training ground dog was named ‘Win’ and has now presumably found a better home having run off in confusion after Arteta renamed her ‘Won’ following their title victory. There’s the anthem, the speakers on the training ground; the list goes on and on.
But his latest revelation might just take the cringey biscuit as it showcases Arteta’s painfully unnecessary penchant for theatrics, his arrogance and a bizarre lack of care for office equipment on his very first day on the job in one madcap drama.
“I just destroyed the office and put everything on the floor – the computers, the laptops, the cables. Then bring everybody in,” he told The Athletic.
“I said, ‘Listen, this is what I heard. I don’t know if it’s true. But from a lot of different people, the sentiment is that this is how they feel about working in the organisation. I’m here to help you enjoy your profession and your life and the passion that we all share. If you want me to help you to do that, you have two minutes to put this in order and at least to be ready to work together’. And I left.”
We don’t know what’s more nauseating – the thought of him smiling to himself over his brilliant idea as he smashed keyboards on the floor and threw paper clips around the room, or the ‘let’s get down to business’ look on his face when he re-entered.
He continued: “That could have been my managerial career because if that would have stayed the same way, I had no job anymore!
“I came back two minutes later and it was immaculate. Everyone was silent and had their eyes open and they were ready to listen. I said, ‘This is just the start. It’s something that we have to be in daily. Whatever we want to accomplish, we’re going to have to do it together. I cannot do it by myself. The issue that we have is much deeper than that, but the opportunity is infinite’.”
Also, what is wrong with these people? Do they not have a cynical bone between them? Surely they should have reacted as I do when my toddler asks me to clear up their mess: “No, you clear it up you uppity little pr*ck.”
Arsenal fans will claim we’re just jealous of what they’ve achieved under Arteta; maybe we are a little bit.
But to suggest we hate him because he’s good would make little sense at the best of times, and makes no sense at all when he offers up this performative nonsense on a regular basis and is so very evidently proud of it.
He’s a very good football manager fully deserving of both our respect and our deep-seated loathing.
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