Man Utd rebellion: A predicted target for every player’s wrath in post-Bournemouth interviews
Two Manchester United truth-tellers have broken ranks in the space of a week to criticise the direction of the football club and we wonder which member of the squad will continue the theme following defeat to Bournemouth and who or what they will take aim at in the next bombshell post-match interview.
Lisandro Martinez called out Jason Wilcox before Bruno Fernandes criticised Michael Carrick’s tactics, but what’s Carlos Baleba’s beef? Which member of the squad has the guts to take down the big right-wing cheese?
We’ve picked a target for each member of the squad’s ire.
Senne Lammens: Rene Meulensteen It would be weird, sure. We’re picturing Lammens fronting up after a blunder, being asked what he put it down to and claiming he couldn’t put the bizarre and consistent criticism of an assistant coach who left Manchester United 13 years ago out of his mind.
Karl Darlow: Ketchup/No ketchup Pins the lowering of standards at Carrington on the banning/return of tomato ketchup in the canteen.
Ayden Heaven: Lisandro Martinez Can’t have been thrilled upon hearing the news that his World Cup-winning teammate considered his place in the starting XI to be the proof that Wilcox had done a sh*t job of recruiting players in the summer, particularly when Martinez has arguably been the very worst defender in the squad this season.
Maybe he can print off some examples of his blunders a la Jose Mourinho to bring with him.
Harry Maguire: Job cuts The voice of the people bemused by the decision to cut 322 jobs to accommodate Andrey Santos.
Lisandro Martinez: Jason Wilcox Lovely to imagine the Man Utd press officer just off camera pulling his hair out having been given Martinez’s word that he wouldn’t “do anything silly again” as the centre-back specifically names Wilcox this time and reels off the list of his signings that aren’t good enough and which players he should have signed instead.
Leny Yoro: Rio Ferdinand Ferdinand took an immediate shine to Yoro after the young defender said he was his favourite Man Utd legend upon his Old Trafford arrival and the YouTuber hasn’t missed any opportunity – few and far between though they’ve been – to lavish Yoro with praise, claiming he can go right to the very top.
Turns out Yoro doesn’t enjoy that pressure and kindly requests Ferdinand to keep his thoughts to himself in future. The Frenchman becomes a national hero in the process.
Matthijs de Ligt: Manchester City Plenty of time on the sidelines to read through the charges, listen to Kieran Maguire’s 427 podcast interviews and come to the conclusion that we can all, in some way, pin everything bad happening anywhere on Manchester City.
Luke Shaw: Jose Mourinho A tough sell given Mourinho left the club eight years ago, but he called him fat once and what’s that animal that never forgets?
Diogo Dalot: Cristiano Ronaldo A glorious twist after a career of licking his compatriot’s proverbial.
Noussair Mazraoui: Cold knees Has anyone ever walked off a football pitch on a cold day and cursed their decision not to slip on a pair of tights under their shorts and socks? Mazraoui is unlikely to do it again after the reaction to his look vs Como and can put his futile chase of Rayan on the Bournemouth wing down to his chilly knees on Sunday.
Carlos Baleba: Man Utd pundit cabal Very quickly cast as the midfield saviour by the Man Utd pundits, Baleba’s already showing signs of faltering under that jinxing pressure.
Andrey Santos: Paul Winstanley Another nothing display from the Brazilian followed by him publicly declaring the Chelsea sporting director a wizard for getting £48m out of Manchester United for him in a bid to reduce the pressure of his price tag, insisting: “I’m not even worth half that, I swear.”
Kobbie Mainoo: Ruben Amorim There can be no-one better to give a balanced account of Man Utd managers past and present and which of them is more to blame for this crisis than a midfielder who started 12 of 47 Premier League games under one and all but one he’s been fit for under the next.
Youri Tielemans: Bruno Fernandes Someone’s got to point the finger of blame at the player whose form has dipped most dramatically this season, who rarely runs and when he does it’s in a bid for applause from the crowd and to the detriment of his team. It might as well be a guy who would love to play in his No.10 role with two midfielders sitting behind him.
Bruno Fernandes: Sir Alex Ferguson Aside from ripping into Carrick’s tactics, Fernandes also urged everyone to “stop living in the past” after his and Man Utd’s shameful performance against Como. That’s only one step away from pinning all of this mess on Sir Alex Ferguson to ensure he’s stripped of the captaincy ahead of an acrimonious exit in January.
Mason Mount: Dan Ashworth If only Ashworth had got his preferred manager through the door in his five months as sporting director. Everything would have been fixed by now under Sir Gareth Southgate and Mount would have five times as many appearances for Manchester United.
Marcus Rashford: Manchester United The ‘I told you so’ vibe as Rashford launches into an ‘open-heart surgery’-esque rant having watched his boyhood club crumble around him in the two decades he’s been on their books might just be the best entertainment in the history of all entertainment.
Patrick Dorgu: Sir Jim Ratcliffe We don’t envy you, Patrick, but someone’s got to take him down. Just read this out verbatim: Michael Carrick third in ranking of Sir Jim Ratcliffe’s 23 Man Utd mistakes
Amad: The fans Just stares down the camera barrel, says “this is for the fans” and gives them the finger again.
Matheus Cunha: Michael Carrick Reports claim a touchline tete-a-tete between Carrick and Cunha boiled over in the dressing room in defeat to Como and may well explain Cunha’s half-time substitution, though him being terrible is also a fairly convincing explanation.
Cunha wasn’t at all happy with being hooked either and a famously fiery character isn’t about to hold his tongue if he feels he’s been wronged.
Joshua Zirkzee: The Premier League It’s just too good a league now, for him and the club.
Bryan Mbeumo: Fixture congestion No Manchester United player has played more minutes (903 minutes) and someone’s got to make a point of highlighting their five games in 15 days to explain away them not bothering to run.
Benjamin Sesko: Physio department Nicky Butt and Paul Scholes could catch some strays for essentially telling him to ‘toughen up’ over his poorly shin, but it’s the physios that Sesko would be laying into for sending him out to play through the pain and setting him back four months.
