Does Mikel Arteta have a ‘schoolboy trousers’ clause in £25m contract?
Mikel Arteta is the highest-paid manager in the Premier League by some distance but shouldn’t that buy him some new trousers?
Mikel Arteta new deal clauses? Given their only real competition is about to be severely hampered, over £1bn spent, and a reported wage of C.£70k per day in his new deal, the Kroenkes would be well within their rights to have added some clauses forcing El Monotone to, y’know, stop cheating and start playing something approaching attacking football. If you’re reading this Stan/Josh, may I also humbly suggest a penalty clause for big Brazilian girl’s blouse at centre back:
Termination for Diving/Simulation
The Company reserves the right to terminate the Player’s contract at any time with immediate effect and without notice or payment in lieu of notice if the Player persists in pretending he is Walter the Softy. An act of diving/simulation includes, but is not limited to:
• Hurling himself to the ground, when: – An opposing player exists within 10 yards of him – He just feels like it
Oh, and a wee extra one for Legohead too:
Termination for Unjustified Whining/Persistently Dressing Like a Schoolboy
The Company reserves the right to terminate the Manager’s contract at any time with immediate effect and without notice or payment in lieu of notice if the Manager persists in wearing the same clothes every week, and/or, has the brass neck to complain about refereeing/the conduct of opposing players. An act of unjustified whining includes, but is not limited to:
• Conducting himself like a 6 year old girl denied a new Barbie doll when: – He’s on the wrong end of a 50/50 decision – He complains about any diving/fouling committed by an opponent (hereafter referred to as the brass neck sub-clause) – He starts any sentence with the following, or similar after a defeat; i) “I never seen us dominate a game like this before” ii) “Luis told me we were the better team” iii) “I feel sick”
An act of persistently dressing like a schoolboy includes, but is not limited to:
– Wearing the same school trousers and black top every single week. Badly.
The Company reserves the right to insist the Manager spend at least 1% of his obscene wage on some new garms, and that he must wear:
– A whole new outfit at least once every two weeks – A whole new outfit constitutes i) A different top AND strides ii) Oh, and stay in your technical area, and preferably sit the f*** down Mikel
On a related note, that Barca or Arsenal bit re Haaland’s next club – all out attack in the middle of an assist swarm of rapid elite attackers under Flick, or stodgeball with Mr Charisma, and picking Saka up off the floor after he throws himself there every 5 minutes. Hmmm, let me think. RHT/TS x
(I’m f***ed if I get the massive new contract anyway, which elite club are desperate to import hateball for the princely sum of £25m per year?)
Bring on the football
This has been the worst international break ever. By doubling the number of pointless friendlies that nations play, it has meant that the 25-hours-a-day, 8-days-a-week, wall-to-wall “football news” we now get has been dominated by the following exaggerated stories.
Story 1 – Child in top academy may move to another academy.
Story 2 – 41-year-old footballer gets annoyed when told he is old and won’t play every game for his nation.
Story 3 – Nation-state-backed club with near-infinite resources, which was suspected of bending the financial rules, has been found guilty of bending the financial rules by some random panel. Said club will continue to use its wealth to fight the case until it eventually grows bored of the whole thing, at which point it will probably be sold for more than it was bought for. The new owners will say it wasn’t them but will “open the books”. The Premier League will issue a fine, and we will all move on.
We refer to this as the Chelsea Solution. Arsène Wenger had it right all those years ago when he accused both Chelsea and City of financial doping. The news was when it happened, not now, decades after the event.
I look forward to the news pivoting back to reporting on actual live football again! Paul K, London
Jesus wept…but not for Ronaldo
I just took the time to read Ronaldo’s full 2,000 word statement that he released to the media last night. Oddly, the first thing that popped into my mind was a vague memory of struggling mightily to hit the word count for assignments of a similar length during my undergrad studies. Apparently, when you’ve a massive axe to grind the words can just flow. Handy to know.
In all seriousness though, just how determined is this guy to continue undermining a legacy that was ironclad a few short years ago? He’s always evidently had a massive ego, but that’s not unusual for people at the very top of their profession. If he thinks he’s the bee’s knees, that’s partly because an army of fans have made it clear that they share that opinion of him. So he gets a pass in my eyes on that front.
But not one of those acolytes can objectively defend this madness, or the nature of his exit from United in 2023 for that matter. The level of derangement evident in both of those strops has utterly obscured my memories of just how glorious a player he was for over a decade. There’s recency bias at play there, but the bizarre move of recruiting Piers Morgan to his cause for an ostensible exit interview at Old Trafford remains stuck in my craw and this week’s farce just reinforces that distaste.
It’s hard to overstate the mania at play when Ronaldo feels that the world needs a public breakdown of a conversation with his manager that put his nose out of joint. The detail is obscenely unnecessary, and only serves to shed more light on the immaturity at play here. By all accounts, Jorge Jesus is a similarly egotistical man and reneged on a promise to give Ronaldo half an hour against Norway because he wanted to win a game in which Portugal were defending a slender lead. Needless to say, that decision was vindicated with a win. That’s not a show of personal disrespect or betrayal – it’s a man doing his job, similarly to Erik Ten Hag in 2023.
But of course, it’s all about him, and he has to address the entire nation of Portugal as if all 10+ million of them are paralysed by the psychodrama. I often wonder why Real Madrid ever allowed him to leave – he’s the personification of the bloated, self-aggrandising behemoth they’ve become in the last 20 years. They share the same gargantuan self-regard, a complete lack of corresponding self-awareness, and display raging persecution complexes despite occupying a rarified place in the game.
So yeah, it’s time for him to go. The best hope for Portugal, and for any of us invested in seeing this pitiful charade end, is that Jesus sticks to his guns and continues to treat Ronaldo like an equal to the current squad instead of some misplaced totem. Let him hang around the squad if he wants, but only give him the minutes his form on the pitch warrants. We might see one more tantrum before he’s done, but surely he’ll get the hint eventually and shuffle off into overdue irrelevance. It’ll be a pity, but when you rage against the dying of the light for this long, you can only expect to be left alone in the dark eventually. Keith Reilly
Farewell, Signor Borini
In 2012, newly appointed Liverpool manager told fans that they should get excited about the next signing. That signing was Fabio Borini. He’s just retired, so I had a quick nose at what he got up to in his career. 81 goals in 17 years. 4.7 goals a season. For a striker that played for, amongst others, Chelsea, Liverpool, AC Milan & Roma. Oh and 31 of those were in the Turkish 2nd division.
He seemed like a lovely, excitable chap when he signed, so I cannot say I disliked him, but he has absolutely stolen a living. If you take away the Turkish goals, he’s on par with James Ward-Prowse for career goals (I think).
Mad that someone who didn’t really score that much, had such a recognisable celebration. Like Joe Gomez wearing a shirt under his match shirt with a witty slogan, just in case.
Anyway, there wasn’t really a point to this, but I thought someone needed to know.
Happy retirement, Fabio. Si, LFC
To boldly go…
So what to do with Citeh, eh? Points deduction? Yes probably a hefty one. Trophies stripped? Maybe. The blank space in the roll of honour is a fitting memorial to the theft of all of our time. Relegation? A possibility.
There are lots of possible punishments that can be doled out to leave City twisting in the wind for the next *insert own preferred length of time*.
Anfield should and will be visceral. Fans cheated from celebrating title wins.
And the wit will pour forth from different signs in the crowd and songs rippling around the ground.
But there needs to be a unifying focal point. A grand gesture from the entire stadium to show the world just exactly what they think of the sham that was allowed to happen.
And I think I’ve found a doozy in the one remaining place of sanity in a mad, bad World: Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Stay with me.
Worf a Klingon accepts that his family has betrayed the Klingons to their blood enemies the Romulans.
The punishment? He goes before the Klingon High Council who all turn their backs on him, judging the treachery SO deplorable that he will not even be acknowledged in their presence.
And that is exactly what 60,000 inside Anfield should do on Sunday.
For the first 115 seconds of the game turn their back on the pitch and register their disgust at the theft that’s been perpetrated on all of us. A fitting demonstration of contempt. And a nice little parody of the Poznan to boot.
Make it happen Anfield. John ‘Fourth cup of coffee before midday’ Mac, Cork, Ireland, Alpha Quadrant
Nobody knows
Well, it looks like the Mailbox’s endless speculation about Manchester City’s punishment might finally be over, because none other than Alan Brazil has apparently got the answer.
Brazil ‘EXCLUSIVELY REVEALED’ on talkSPORT that he’d been told by “two sources, both creeping back to Manchester” that City are getting a 60-point deduction.
Which is interesting, because only last week Liam Gallagher was saying he’d been told by “someone in a very, very high position” that if City’s appeal failed, they’d get nothing more than a fine and a transfer ban.
So one mystery insider has City getting a sternly worded letter, a bill to pay and being told they can’t buy or sell players for a few months, while two others have them being drop-kicked into the bottom half of the table, still probably finishing above Utd.
Forget the outcome of the appeal, the lawyers, the Premier League and the independent commission, because apparently Alan Brazil and Liam Gallagher already know what’s happening. The only issue is, they’ve both been told completely different things.
I just don’t know who to believe. Ant MUFC
10,000 spoons
To all those requesting, demanding even, that Man City be pushed into non-existence for alleged financial breaches, this would be a paradoxical irony.
The rules were brought in to supposedly prevent clubs failing for spending money they can’t afford. The punishment for breaching these rules could, and likely will, mean City are destroyed for spending money they CAN afford. Simon, Unrepentant, unashamed, City till I die, Age 59 3/4
